Secrets to a great sex life

Sex is different for husbands and wives 

You have probably heard it said that a man feels loved when he gets sex, and a woman has sex to feel loved.  I believe this to be, more or less, true.  A man feels the most loved when he has sex – if his wife satisfies him, he knows she loves him.  Sex for a woman however, is different:  feeling loved during intimacy is more of an emotional response than a physical one for her.  Because of the oxytocin being released in her brain, her emotional need is met during sex, just as his physical need is met.  A wife will have sex with her husband to satisfy her emotional need (although there is some physical pleasure for her as well.)  Regardless of the differences between them, intimacy satisfies both the man and the wife, yet in different ways.
Allow me to explain….
For men, sex is more of a physical release; for women, it is more of an emotional release.  When men are not sexually satisfied, their physical discomfort manifests itself in many different ways: quicker tempers, aggression, stubbornness, lack of motivation, etc.  In my experience, when a woman is deprived emotionally (her love tank is not full) she tends to feel more tired, be more irritable, feels more emotional, has difficulty focusing, etc.
Because it is a physical thing, sex for men, is a fundamental need – their bodies demand that release, one way or another.  Because of the physical biology and the fact that men have more testosterone, which creates the desire in the first place, men have a much higher sex drive than women.  For women though, intimacy just helps fill our love tank and often we can take it or leave it.
Because of these differences between men and women, it can often causes conflicts within a marriage.  The wife often feels that he is always asking for sex and becomes irritated, and he feels like she is never interested in it, and he grows annoyed and hurt.  This is usually due to miscommunication, and a lack of understanding of how the other person’s body works.  Some wives do not fully understand that sex is a necessity for a man, and some husbands just can’t understand how she does not want it like he does.  These responses are normal, but it is very important to be educated on how the other thinks, feels, and acts.
Wives:  he needs sex.  Be patient with him.  He needs you to not only meet his physical needs, but his emotional needs as well.  When you give your husband sex, and love him while you do, this blesses him and makes him feel honored, respected, and loved.  Understand that he is not just pestering you because he enjoys it, but that he needs you to love him in this way so that he can relax and enjoy life.  I’m serious; often, a sexually frustrated man is an irritable, short-tempered man.  When he needs sex and doesn’t get it, he cannot focus, he ceases to enjoy things he normally does, he feels agitated, and he does not sleep as well.  It is important to give him sex, not just for his physical health, but his mental comfort too.
Husbands:  your wife is not like you.  She does not have testosterone coursing through her veins, revving her up “for some action.”  That is not how she works.  She does not feel that pressure building up either.  She simply wants to be cuddled, loved, and cherished by you.  Yes, there are times when she may want sex, but on average, she is only interested about twice a week.  She wants it when she needs that deep connection with you – and that’s not every 48-72 hours like you do.  It is usually nothing personal she has against you – she just does not think about it very often.  So be patient with her.  And if there are physical issues (pain, etc.) that are keeping her from wanting or enjoying intimacy, talk about it.
Clear communication about this is so important.  It does not have to be a fight.  Be honest and tell your spouse how you feel.  Come up with a compromise – something that you can both work with that makes you both feel loved and cherished without feeling like one or the other is always giving in or being taken advantage of.
And to be honest, Brian and I have never had this issue so I am just giving my best advice based on what I have read and heard from other married couples.  For reasons unknown, my sex drive is unusually high for a women, so this is not an issue we have had to work through.

Is it ok for women to like sex too?

Absolutely!  For some reason, the Church has always been under the erroneous belief that women should not enjoy sex.  They believe that it is dirty and impure for a Christian women to enjoy intimacy with her husband.  What?!  Whoever started that destructive rumor needs a slap to the face.  They cannot be more wrong!
God created sex for both husbands and wives and He has allowed both to receive pleasure from it.  Society sends the message that if you’re a bad girl, you can enjoy it, but if you are a good girl, you won’t.  This is false.  Many Christian women also tend to believe that sex is strictly for men, and that women are just being good, dutiful wives.  But this is not the case.  God wants both of us to enjoy sex, and each other.  1 Corinthians 7:5 says that husbands are not to (sexually) deprive their wives, and wives are not to (sexually) deprive their husbands.  If sex was only for men, then why did God instruct husbands not to deprive their wives?  For the most part, men do have higher sex drives because of their testosterone.  This is probably where many people get the idea that sex is for the man.  But some women do have high sex drives – I sure do.  And if you really want to challenge yourself, read the Song of Solomon – his wife was one sensuous woman!
The more comfortable and relaxed the woman is, the more she enjoys herself, and sex.   If you are uptight, distrustful, or feel that what you are doing is wrong, then you will not enjoy yourself or intimacy.  They key is relaxing and just allowing yourself to love and be loved.  Sex is a two-way street.  Both parties need to give, and both need to take.  Often times, in not-so-good relationships, men do their thing and then they are done.  They hurry up, get their release, and are ready to move on to the next part of the day.  If that is all it is, the woman does not get enough enjoyment out of it to even make it worthwhile.  Statistics show that the average amount of time spent having sex is 2 minutes.  2 minutes! Let that sink in… The man does his thing and moves right on with his day, but what about his poor wife?  Her body, as I pointed out earlier, is not like his.  The best example I have seen is that men are like microwaves – they are sexually excited and stimulated almost instantly and once they get their release, they are done in a very short amount of time.  A woman, however, is more like a crockpot – it takes her a while to get turned on, and then it takes her a while to settle down afterwards.  Many people do not understand this.  It is only by the time the man is done, that the woman is actually excited enough to react.  This can cause a lot of tension and disappointment on both sides.
Both the man and the woman need their releases – the man physically, and the woman emotionally/mentally.  These releases come in the form of orgasms.  Orgasms are the height of sexual tension and are the epitome of sexual pleasure.  It is at this point where “yada” the deep knowing and being known, takes place.  What do you believe about sex?This is the time where sex heals and satisfies your souls.  It reaches the very core of your being and knits your hearts and souls together as one.  This is what the Bible meant when, in Ephesians 5:31 it says that “therefore a man should leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two will become one flesh.”  Sexually uniting with your spouse is the scriptural “becoming one flesh.”  During orgasm is when the dopamine and oxytocin course through your brain and body, addicting you to one another.  This is good, this is healthy, and this is scriptural.
In order for both the husband and wife to be truly fulfilled – him physically and her emotionally/mentally – they must both have an orgasm.  But this is only if they have patience and work together.  I think it is physically impossible for a woman to orgasm after only 2 minutes of foreplay and intercourse.  She literally cannot get aroused enough that quickly.  This is why so many women do not like sex like their husbands do.  How can they enjoy themselves when they never have a chance to orgasm?  There is nothing in it for them at all.  He just does his thing and then it’s all over.  She just lays there wondering what all the hype is about and does not understand how sex can be fun and amazing.  Husbands, slow down, and take your time so your wife can have a chance to even get aroused.  Help her get excited.  She cannot climax on her own – she needs your help.
We have discovered that the best method is to take turns.  Because he gets excited quicker, he goes first while I am still getting aroused.  I focus 100% of my attention on him, and just love him.  Then, it’s my turn.  I focus all of my energy and focus on me and he just loves me.  We both give, and we both receive.

Orgasms can make a huge difference

It is also important to understand the differences between men and women when it comes to orgasms.  Again, for men, it is 99% physical.  They are “turned on” or aroused almost instantly by virtually anything: sight, touch, smells, sounds, etc.  Once they are aroused enough, they feel the surge of pleasure physically, but they have to physically work for it.  For a woman, hers is at least 75% mental, and not all of the pleasure she experiences is physical either.
(If you are a married woman and have never experienced an orgasm, do not feel bad!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  For many women, it takes anywhere from 6 months to several years for them to experience their first sexual pleasure.  For others, they may never experience one.  However, there are those who have them easily, and even have multiple orgasms within a 10-15 minute span.  And yes, there is hope.)
There are things you can do that will help you reach the epitome of sexual pleasure.   As I said, orgasm for a woman is almost entirely in her mind.  The biggest key is to relax.  Enjoy yourself, and revel in your husband loving you.  If you are anxious, or too busy thinking about your to-do list for tomorrow, etc. you will be too distracted to focus on your body.  In order to reach climax, you need to be aroused.  This is far harder for women than it is men.  Many women find that it takes quite a bit of foreplay to get them aroused enough to have sex before climaxing.  Get excited.  God loves sex, and it blesses Him when we enjoy the precious gift He’s given us.  And I can guarantee that your husband loves when you enjoy intimacy with him!  Yes, it will take you longer to get aroused, but that’s okay.  Do whatever you have to do to get excited.  Then focus on yourself.  Put all of your mind on you.  It’s not bad, and it’s not selfish.  Both men and women have to focus on their own bodies before climax – it’s how it works.  Just enjoy yourself.  Once you learn to have fun, get aroused, and focus on what your body is telling you, then you are on the right track.

One Comment Add yours

  1. larryzb says:

    Great post! Let me add that husbands do have emotional needs , too. Sex is more than just physical release for the husband.

    The Church has not always had a negative view of sex or believed that wives ought not or cannot enjoy it. These mistaken notions entered Christianity during the time of (St.) Augustine in the late 4th century. Ancient pagan schools of thought looked poorly on sex and on any sensual pleasure. Thus, the negative view or hostility towards the joys of marital lovemaking is not authentically Christian.

    Best wishes for success with your blog. (We, too, have written on marriage and sex at our blog.)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s