Are you preparing for marriage?

What does “it’s worth the wait” even mean?

Have I mentioned that sex is amazing?  It is so, totally, worth that wait.  I was told this my entire life, but never really understood why, or what it meant.  Does it mean that that sex is 100 times better after the marriage vows are said?  No, not really.  There is no particular magic that occurs when the rings slide on the fingers, but what does occur is the commitment.  I can have sex with my husband and bask in his love, knowing I will forever have him, instead of wondering if he will still here tomorrow.  Why is pre-marital sex wrong?   My heart, mind, spirit and soul are comfortable making the permanent decision with him that my body does when it releases dopamine and oxytocin.  What do you believe about sex?  I am more than happy to give myself to him, knowing that he is the only one in the whole wide world who knows me the way he does – in my entirety.  I never have to wonder if there is, or will be, someone else.

Should I be afraid of my wedding night?

If you plan to marry a wonderful guy who loves you, honors you, cherishes you, respects you, and protects you, no, you should not be afraid.  There are unknowns, there always are when it comes to something new, but if you truly love each other, and your husband desires to protect you and make you comfortable, then you can work out anything together.  Communicate, communicate, communicate! Talk before the wedding about expectations (of which I encourage you not to have many) and be open and honest with each other.  The most important aspect of marriage is clear communication.  Be real about how you feel, what you might be afraid of, what you are thinking, what you are and are not comfortable with, etc.  Make sure you are both on the same page before the wedding day.  And when you arrive at your secret wedding night hide-out, don’t stop communicating.  If something goes against any beliefs you may have, say something so you do not feel violated.  If something hurts or is uncomfortable, say something.  Sex, and marriage, both require insane amounts of trust.  Without the fundamental foundation of trust, a relationship, marriage, and sex, will be virtually impossible.  He needs to trust his wife that she means well, and she needs to trust him not to get angry if she says no to something or is hurting.
Prior to our wedding, as Brian and I talked about the wedding coming up in the next few days, we discussed our thoughts, feelings, fears, questions and concerns regarding the “post-wedding activities.”  We were 100% transparent.  We heard each other out, consoled and reassured where we knew how, and agreed that it was all new, exciting, and a little intimidating.  Have this talk beforehand!  When your wedding night does come, you will so much more relaxed if you are both on the same page, and there will not be as much pressure or confusion when the time comes.
Our wedding night was partially what I had hoped for, and partially not.  I expected a full 8-hour night full of giggling, sex, and bubble-baths, but honestly, I was so drained after the wedding festivities from the day that I really was not up for much other than sleep.  It was not long before I simply passed out on the bed, leaving my poor new groom to snooze off next to me.  Don’t get me wrong, our wedding night was great and it is a cherished memory, however, I did spend 90% of it in an exhausted coma.  Our honeymoon was better – although, for the first couple days, I still slept 14 hours straight – and took a nap during the day!  I was just so exhausted from finishing college and graduating, planning a wedding, helping to fix up our house, running around town like a mad-woman, dealing with having wrecked my car before the rehearsal dinner, and then surviving the entire wedding while it was over 100 degrees outside.  I think my body was trying to make up for my year-long sleep deficit.

What should I expect on my honeymoon?

My best advice is to approach your wedding night, and honeymoon, with little to no expectation.  The less expectation, the better.  Sex takes practice.  It’s completely true.  Just ask any married couple.  Practice makes perfect.  The more you do it, the better it will be.  I will be the first to admit that sexual intimacy usually starts off a little rocky.  It takes time, and lots of patience to work at it and perfect it.  Figure out what works for you and your spouse.  Each person is a little different, so take time to explore and experiment with each other.  But I will also be the first to say that it does indeed get better and better.  Do not get discouraged if, at first, things are not going like you’d planned.  It’s okay.  You literally have the rest of your lives to figure it out!  So what if you make mistakes…giggle about it, and move on.  Laughter is so important, not only in marriage, but in bed.  There is something uniquely special about curling up together and giggling under the blankets or laughing together when something didn’t work.
That is the joy and the beauty of marriage – to be able to be 100% yourself with the person you love the most.  For many couples it can take months for things to start to come naturally.  Be patient and keep trying.
For men, sex is instinctive – their bodies seem to know exactly what to do and when.  They are like microwaves – they adapt very quickly, and are rearing to go instantly.  A man’s body tells his brain that he is excited and instructs it on what to do.
For women, on the other hand, it is not instictive.  We are like crockpots (slowcookers) and our bodies usually take a while to warm up and get going.  We have to teach our bodies what to do.  For many women, there is also some pain involved – this is just because the vaginal muscles are stretching beyond what they ever have before – kind of like if you overextend your leg and your hamstring aches.  It’s the same idea.  Because women take far longer than men to become aroused, and because their bodies take their good old time adjusting and “getting ready,” a lot of foreplay is needed.  Make out for a while, touch each other, cuddle without clothes on, have a wrestling match…whatever turns you on. Because sex is mostly mental and emotional for women, it can be difficult to figure ourselves out.  Often, we have to turn ourselves on my thinking hard about being sexually excited.  It does not always come naturally for us – we have to make our brains think about it so our bodies follow suit.  Unlike men, we have to make our brains tell our bodies what to do.  Secrets to a great sex life  Give yourself time and don’t beat yourself up.  It’s perfectly normal.  Find what works for you and teach your body to react to that.
Note to the men:  the key is getting her to relax.  The more she relaxes, the less pain she will feel and the more she will enjoy it.  Kiss her, stroke her, love her, cuddle her. Do not, I reapeat, do not, rush her.  If she is not ready, you will not only terrify her, but make her sore.  Be pateint with her and just focus on loving her and cuddling her.  If she is not ready for something or is physically uncomfortable, do not force her.

One Comment Add yours

  1. deannalexis says:

    Thanks so much for sharing. This reminds me of my own wedding night 8 months ago! A little awkward and a little painful, but sweet and wonderful. We had been so transparent and honest in our premarital counseling that we felt truly pure and safe together.
    Two things: I would encourage everyone to talk about it, even with your premarital counselor/couple, because that really helps (preferably close to the wedding).
    I would encourage all women to visit their gynecologist a few months before their wedding. (I had to have minor surgery, but that’s rare.)
    Again, thanks for this post. I will be sharing!


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